THE LIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE - stuff that makes you laugh!

julian · **Joined:** Wed Dec 03, 2008 2:55 pm **Posts:** 68

I am sure most of you will have read this but it bears repeating:
Subject: London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was,
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more
than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy
charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly
children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but
could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to
have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in
her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He
is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,
Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If
you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
nothing.

Muriel · **Joined:** Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:14 pm **Posts:** 4602

Sent by Tom:

Quote:

DEPRESSION

Five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel , "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land".

Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc, I called the suicide help line. Got a call center in India . I told them I was suicidal. They got excited, transferred me to Pakistan and asked if I could drive a truck.

Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

I met a fairy.

"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, but I am not allowed to grant that type of wish.
"Fine," I said, "Then I want to die when AUSTRALIA wins the TRI NATIONS ."

"You crafty b*stard !" said the fairy.

Amy · **Joined:** Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:04 pm **Posts:** 1741

Quote:

St John Eye Care Centre eye test advertisement

Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

I have just started a new business selling prayer mats with bombs hidden in them.

Business is booming.

Prophets are going through the roof.

Amy · **Joined:** Thu Oct 19, 2006 2:04 pm **Posts:** 1741

This was sent by an Aussie - why people voted for the Greens in last weekend's election:

Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

Apropos of the Australian election today:

A politician and a couple of her friends were fishing when their boat capsised. Shirl and Sue started to panic because they’d seen sharks in the area.

“No worries, mates,” said the politician and she started to swim towards land to get help.

As she swam, Shirl and Sue spotted the dorsal fins of two great white sharks heading straight toward the politician. Befores they could yell a warning, the politician took hold of their fins and the sharks escorted her safely to shore.

When the politician returned with help, Shirl and Sue asked her how she had managed such an amazing feat. The politician answered, “Professional courtesy.”

http://homepaddock.wordpress.com/2010/0 ... -smiles-8/

Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin . She desperately
wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices'
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ‘Well then,
maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a
pair of shoes for free'
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go
and give it a try'!
The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile!
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he spots a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward
her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls
it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the
dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the
bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped
the croc onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out.......
'SH*T, SH*T, SH*T, THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO'

Muriel · **Joined:** Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:14 pm **Posts:** 4602

Sent by Tony:

Quote:

The Budget.................. An accountants advice................... NZ version
Let me help you understand the "Economic Stimulus

This year NZ taxpayers will receive 'Economic Stimulus' = less tax -
but more GST.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format;-

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' tax break?
A. It is money that the government will give back to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some advice on how to best help the NZ economy by
spending your extra money, from paying less tax and more gst:

If you spend the stimulus money at K Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka

If you spend it on Petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, or Taiwan.

If you purchase fruit and vegetables, some will stay in New Zealand, some will go to USA, Indonesia or Australia.

If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

If you pay your credit cards off or buy stock it will go to bank
management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep your money in New Zealand by:

1) Spending it at Garage sales

2) Going to Football games

3) Spend it on prostitutes

4) Buy beer

5) A tattoo

6) Get stuff on Trade Me

These are the only New Zealand businesses still operating

Package recommendation:

Go to a Football game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a
garage sale and drink beer all day! Then spend the rest of the night
trolling through Trade Me for a bargain so you can spend the rest of
your gifted tax money.

No need to thank me; just glad I could be of help.

Yours,
Bill English.

Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Paul · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 10:50 am **Posts:** 1054

One for Hone. Disclaimed: This is not intended to offend any New Zealanders, whatever lineage they may wish to claim.

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a Maori outside a Welfare office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by Prime Minister Key and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in South Auckland from the Hokianga with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

Rangi now got bolder.. "I need a big house with a three-car garage on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live up North.. I want to bring them all down here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway, and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking a bay.

"One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like a real New Zealander with good clothes instead of these torn clothes. And I want to have white skin like the majority of New Zealanders" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a "Yeah Right" Tui T Shirt, and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where is my new house?"

The fairy said:
"Tough shit, Rangi, now that you are a white New Zealander, you have to fend for yourself.."

Muriel · **Joined:** Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:14 pm **Posts:** 4602

Sent by David - "an old one but a good one"!

Quote:

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer :

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian

who was drunk on Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by A Kiwi

using American Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian truck drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals....

That, my friends, is Globalization!

Muriel · **Joined:** Wed Oct 18, 2006 10:14 pm **Posts:** 4602

Sent by AK:

Quote:

GOOD, BETTER, BEST

GOOD

A cop from the NZ Police was watching for speeders, but wasn't getting many.

Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the roadwith a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.'

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.

(And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated Radar post in the Manawatu with a Fine of $160 included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $160.

The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

As a NZ Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket Book, she said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Policemen's Ball.'

He replied, 'New Zealand Policemen don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car.

*************************

Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

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Viking · **Joined:** Fri Oct 20, 2006 7:37 pm **Posts:** 4333

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a Labrador dog.

“Fook off” say's Mick,

“have you seen how many of their owners go blind.”

NZ Centre for Political Research

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