NZ Centre for Political Research

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

Rangi rings his boss first thing Monday morning .

Rangi 'Boss I can't come to work today'

Boss ' Why not? '

Rangi ' I've got the bird Flu'

Boss ' How in the hell did you get the bird flu '

Rangi ' Too many Tuis Bro'

THE BEST LAWYER STORY SO FAR THIS YEAR

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over
there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind.Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my
place............



The grass is almost a foot high."

The Funeral

Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned to
her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.

The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"






"TWO & A HALF CARATS"

A man enters a bar in Wellington and orders a drink. The bar has a
Robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and
Then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation
About global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality,
bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory,
nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities. The customer is very impressed and thinks,
"This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
And comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "About 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league,
Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and womens
tits in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and
asks,
"What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."

And the robot says... really slowly..."So...............ya gonna

vote for Helen again?"

They walk among us

Just something to make you smile for a minute..


One day I was walking down the beach with some
friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked
up at the sky and
said..."where???"

They Walk among us!!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real
estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't
want the sun waking him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the north?"
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't
keep up with that
stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call
center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the
call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .

They Walk Among Us!!!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our
cafeteria, when we overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about
the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't
think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving".

They Walk Among Us!!!!

I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I
wanted the half pound
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce
sirloin. Not wanting to
make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce
steak instead of the
half-pounder.

They walk among us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's
designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the
trunk...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said,
"Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I had to
explain that a person's nose
and ear remain the same distance apart no matter
which way the head is
turned...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my
bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was
a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has
your plane arrived
yet?"...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him
if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

And yes ... Sadly...not only do they walk among us,
they also reproduce!

How to Get Rid of an Old Fridge

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice
at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It
looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50."

The next day someone stole it.

You might have seen this before - but it certainly brings a smile:

Scoop Satire: Ode in Apology to Helen Clark
After careful deliberation, on behalf of the New Zealand Media,
by Lyndon Hood

O, let's not be beastly to Helen
She's got more than enough on her plate.
For one thing, her creation:
The sustainable nation!
At least till two thousand and eight.

Why must we be horrid to Helen
(or Michael, or Damien, or Pete)?
They try so hard, yet
What thanks do they get?
Assessments I dare not repeat.

O, why do the press hate the Government?
You'd think they'd play fair, but instead,
What do they go and do
Given an interview?
They report what the minister said!

O, why don't the media play nicely,
And put their opinions aside?
They just sit and heckle
They're no Doctor Jeckyl
So can you be blamed if you Hyde?

In the golden age (the early Eighties)
They just did (they were never this bold!)
What all the MPs
On all sides agree
Is their job - to repeat what they're told.

O Helen, I know that it's irksome -
"The Free Press!" Cheer up! Could be worse!
That free sort of press
In the end, costs you less,
Than what's bought with the public purse.

O Helen, was it something I did?
It's so very easy you see
To say something vicious,
Or perhaps (shh!) seditious,
When I find Parliament in contempt of me.

O Helen, it's hard, but forgive us
Like children, we haven't learned yet
That pride precedes a fall -
We're only mortal, after all
Even if some of us do forget.

Yeh, Made all my ladies at work have a big chuckle too.

Ha! Ha! That's hilarious Viking!

Helen Clark and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening
when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck
and killed.

Helen told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners
what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one
hand, a rare, huge cigar in the other, and was Smiling happily, smeared
with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Helen ?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave
me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to
me"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Helen.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Helen
Clarks's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so

fast I couldn't stop it." !!

> !!!!
> WIFE:
>
> What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Definitely not!
>
> WIFE:
> Why not - don't you like being married?
> HUSBAND:
>
> Of course I do.
>
> WIFE:
>
> Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Okay, I'd get married again.
>
> WIFE:
>
> You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> (makes audible groan).
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you live in our house?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Sure, it's a great house.
> WIFE:
>
> Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Where else would we sleep?
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you let her drive my car?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> Probably, it is almost new
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would you replace my pictures with hers?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>
> WIFE:
>
> Would she use my golf clubs?
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> No, she's left-handed.
>
> WIFE:
>
> - - silence - -
>
> HUSBAND:
>
> F**k
>

The black Labrador

Tony Blair called Gordon Brown into his office one day and said, 'Gordon, I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England'.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Brown.

'Well' said Blair ' we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap - oh, and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Welwyn, or one of those villages, and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside.'

'Right PM' said Brown.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub and, with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood' said Blair.

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.

Blair and Brown stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders, and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Brown could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

'Tell me' said Blair, ' why did all those old shepherds come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old custom?'

'Good Lord no,' said the barman. 'It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes.

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in ipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!